Dating Anxiety

    It never fails, I start liking a guy and my brain goes into overdrive.  I begin to examine and analyze every message, every minute that passes, and every picture.  I have a hard time trusting men, my father has ruined that trust.  Every man that has come in my life has only proven that men are dogs and only want sex.  I don't believe a word a guy says, because it normally turns into complete bullshit.  However, I wonder if it's self inflicted because I am reacting to actions that haven't happened.
    I start talking to a guy, he messaged me all the time, then he only messaged me a few times a day.  This makes me wonder if he is still interested.  I should really only be paying attention to the fact that he is still actually making daily communication, that I don't always have to initiate.  The worst part is that it's SO HARD TO CONTROL.  I try working, writing, exercising, talking to other people; but the thoughts about him are still in the back of my mind.  I try to hold out and not respond immediately, but time STOPS! No matter what I do to "wait" to text him, it is never long enough.  The minutes feel like hours.
    Am I so desperate to have someone that I cling to a man that shows the slightest bit of attraction? No, it can't be; I don't feel that way about EVERY guy that gives me attention.  Maybe it's my lack of feeling "good enough" to keep.  I just feel like with today's in disposable resources of women, through online dating sites; I don't have much to offer.  I honestly have absolutely no fucking idea how to act in a relationship.  I haven't had any long term relationships in my entire life! I've only had one-night stands, casual hookups, and friends with benefits.  I've only been called a girlfriend once and that only lasted 3 months.  There has to be a reason why!! What is it? What do I emit that causes guys to run.  (Probably this hyperactive brain of mine)
   I imagine it's the anxiety of being hurt.  I try to guard my heart by scoping out to make the guys I date jerks.  I look for lying behavior, like a detective on a criminal case.   It's almost like I want it to be true so that I can stay "blameless" and the victim of the dating world.  Why do I do that?  Ugh, I have no idea and it's frustrating. It makes me angry that I can't control these thoughts! What is the root of this emotion? Does it really all boil down to my father cheating on my plus size mother and then smooth talking her to get her to stay? Am I scared that I will turn into my mother? Do I sabotage my chances through fear? Am I giving off those vibes?  Can guys feel that energy and hightail it before they get sucked into the craziness that I'm fueling?
     There is so many thoughts that run through my head when I date a guy.  Does anyone else have thoughts like that? Do guys think that way about a girl they're dating? I wish I could just bluntly tell a guy what I think without seeming like a clinger or crazy.  I've said it before, dating FUCKING sucks.


 
 

It Doesn't Work That Way

I cringe every year on my birthday because I know my father will send me some bullshit message.  This year it was, "I haven't given up on us."

Oh really!? "That's why you sent it in a Facebook message? That's why I only heard from you on my birthday?
Oh wait that's because you want a message from me on your birthday, the next day!

Get the fuck out of here !

He gives me the same, "I've really changed this time." Every 3 years and then does something super fucking selfish and just dumb.

The last time he told me he changed, 2 months later he got in a fist fight with my sister's 30 something year old boyfriend and promptly kicking them out.  What in the hell does a 50 year old have fighting a 30 year old.

This new "I've changed this time," came right after being a total dick to my mom! Her truck broke down, (which I honestly think he did something to it) and after he fixed it, refused to give it back to her.  Sat there and whined to everyone on how he was crippled sad.  Of course he doesn't tell anyone that he was berating my mother and screaming in her face because she "didn't touch him enough."

Yeah, I can totally see how he's changed.  *Insert giant eye roll here

Of course, now that he has gone to a few "counselor" meetings, he is all better now and everyone should come running to his side.

Not this time dad! You are selfish, you only text because you want praise.  You only want us around so you don't have to be held accountable for your actions.  You still haven't apologized for being a dick! You haven't changed! You say that as a way to get us to cater to you again.  You have to actually put in work to change.  When that happens, then MAYBE I'll come back around.  You have to earn the trust you lost!