Dating Anxiety

    It never fails, I start liking a guy and my brain goes into overdrive.  I begin to examine and analyze every message, every minute that passes, and every picture.  I have a hard time trusting men, my father has ruined that trust.  Every man that has come in my life has only proven that men are dogs and only want sex.  I don't believe a word a guy says, because it normally turns into complete bullshit.  However, I wonder if it's self inflicted because I am reacting to actions that haven't happened.
    I start talking to a guy, he messaged me all the time, then he only messaged me a few times a day.  This makes me wonder if he is still interested.  I should really only be paying attention to the fact that he is still actually making daily communication, that I don't always have to initiate.  The worst part is that it's SO HARD TO CONTROL.  I try working, writing, exercising, talking to other people; but the thoughts about him are still in the back of my mind.  I try to hold out and not respond immediately, but time STOPS! No matter what I do to "wait" to text him, it is never long enough.  The minutes feel like hours.
    Am I so desperate to have someone that I cling to a man that shows the slightest bit of attraction? No, it can't be; I don't feel that way about EVERY guy that gives me attention.  Maybe it's my lack of feeling "good enough" to keep.  I just feel like with today's in disposable resources of women, through online dating sites; I don't have much to offer.  I honestly have absolutely no fucking idea how to act in a relationship.  I haven't had any long term relationships in my entire life! I've only had one-night stands, casual hookups, and friends with benefits.  I've only been called a girlfriend once and that only lasted 3 months.  There has to be a reason why!! What is it? What do I emit that causes guys to run.  (Probably this hyperactive brain of mine)
   I imagine it's the anxiety of being hurt.  I try to guard my heart by scoping out to make the guys I date jerks.  I look for lying behavior, like a detective on a criminal case.   It's almost like I want it to be true so that I can stay "blameless" and the victim of the dating world.  Why do I do that?  Ugh, I have no idea and it's frustrating. It makes me angry that I can't control these thoughts! What is the root of this emotion? Does it really all boil down to my father cheating on my plus size mother and then smooth talking her to get her to stay? Am I scared that I will turn into my mother? Do I sabotage my chances through fear? Am I giving off those vibes?  Can guys feel that energy and hightail it before they get sucked into the craziness that I'm fueling?
     There is so many thoughts that run through my head when I date a guy.  Does anyone else have thoughts like that? Do guys think that way about a girl they're dating? I wish I could just bluntly tell a guy what I think without seeming like a clinger or crazy.  I've said it before, dating FUCKING sucks.


 
 

It Doesn't Work That Way

I cringe every year on my birthday because I know my father will send me some bullshit message.  This year it was, "I haven't given up on us."

Oh really!? "That's why you sent it in a Facebook message? That's why I only heard from you on my birthday?
Oh wait that's because you want a message from me on your birthday, the next day!

Get the fuck out of here !

He gives me the same, "I've really changed this time." Every 3 years and then does something super fucking selfish and just dumb.

The last time he told me he changed, 2 months later he got in a fist fight with my sister's 30 something year old boyfriend and promptly kicking them out.  What in the hell does a 50 year old have fighting a 30 year old.

This new "I've changed this time," came right after being a total dick to my mom! Her truck broke down, (which I honestly think he did something to it) and after he fixed it, refused to give it back to her.  Sat there and whined to everyone on how he was crippled sad.  Of course he doesn't tell anyone that he was berating my mother and screaming in her face because she "didn't touch him enough."

Yeah, I can totally see how he's changed.  *Insert giant eye roll here

Of course, now that he has gone to a few "counselor" meetings, he is all better now and everyone should come running to his side.

Not this time dad! You are selfish, you only text because you want praise.  You only want us around so you don't have to be held accountable for your actions.  You still haven't apologized for being a dick! You haven't changed! You say that as a way to get us to cater to you again.  You have to actually put in work to change.  When that happens, then MAYBE I'll come back around.  You have to earn the trust you lost!

Dating Fucking Sucks!

In this terrible era, dating has become a game.  Only the most manipulative will win.  Don't show too much interest, but don't be a bitch.  This is my dating rant!

The thing that pisses me off more than anything are the single fathers that treat women like shit.  I just can't get over the fact that these men will sit there and say they love their daughter with all of their heart and yet string a woman along or even just ghost her.  Man the fuck up! Is that how you want a man to treat your daughter when she becomes of age? Well karma is a mother fucker! I pray she finds a man that doesn't treat her like her father treated women.

The other thing that pisses me off is men who show a lot of interest and then fall of the face of the Earth.  How in the fuck can someone spend 5+ hours hanging out with a girl, and then just stop responding to her.  That's just fucking rude! That poor girl is wondering what the hell happened and that guy has probably moved on to another poor soul.

Finally, there will ALWAYS be someone better! ALWAYS!!! This fucking fast food society has ruined dating and relationships.  Everyone is walking on the streets looking at people either thinking, "swipe right" or "swipe left."


Social media has killed romance.

Being single sucks, but dating sucks even more because it only makes you feel like shit!

#rantover
for now ;)

It Happened So Long Ago

It Happened So Long Ago

"It happened so long ago," you said, 

as I expressed my contempt.

"It happened so long ago!?" I yell, 

as you stand there acting like the victim.

My nightmares from last night make it feel like today.

Every broken relationship circles back to you.

I cringe every-time a "Me Too" campaign runs.

I get queasy when I see a father hugging his daughter.

A long time ago doesn't feel so long ago to me.

How dare you put your filthy actions with a time limit.

Am I successful? Yes

Am I strong and independent? Yes

But that doesn't mean that your sins have past.  

It happened so long ago? 

Yeah until you're the one that was truly hurt.

HYPOCRITE! 

My thousands of dollars in therapy, 

my thousands of dollars on PTSD and sleep medicine, 

my trust issues, 

my inability to have a long-term relationship, 

my constant fear of feeling like I did something wrong, 

my constant need to please people, 

my constant fear of being stupid, 

that was all born a long time ago.

You built that foundation a long time ago.  

How dare you belittle my actions to not allow you in my life, 

because you say, "It happened so long ago."

I have to face the consequences of your choices

EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

Until I no longer have to face these things that I can not control, 

it wasn't a long time ago........ it's now

The Beginning

This is about the journey of a single, independent woman.  Life is so many things; comical, painful, exciting, and sometimes just unreal.
Let's talk about love, life, and family. No holding back and no sugar coating. 
My journey is not much different from yours.  Feel free to share your stories too!
 Let the blogging begin..........